Longing

She laid there clutching the pillow between her arms like she never wanted to let it go. How she craved for it to be human flesh.  The flesh of someone she could not live without, someone who could love her with the same intensity that she loved. It was both a blessing and a curse that she loved so passionately and deeply. More of a curse now it seemed. Almost 7 years since her husband left with no word, no warning. And how many years before that, with him, with no true love, just abuse.

Being alone has its advantages.  There are less disappointments. But she learned to live alone and to love herself once again. She became stronger and more independent. But why, in her newfound confidence and strength, had she not found a soulmate that could equal her and give her what she craved? 

She closed her eyes, as she did every day and night, and imagined, visualized, what it would be like to lay next to the man who she had waited for for so long. He would be tall and muscular so that she would feel small in his arms when he wrapped them around her.  Just the thought of him sent shivers through her being. He would have deep, dark eyes that she would get lost in. Long hair, of course, because that was her weakness. The artwork would come alive over the undulations of his muscles. They would be art together with the intertwining of their tattoos and bodies when they made love or just walked down the street arm in arm laughing at silly inside jokes.

She felt it again, the lump that always shifted from her heart to her throat. Was it a scream of longing or pain that this had not manifested in her life? Would this ever happen for her? Almost 20 years ago she thought that is had. He was perfect. She would spend 15 years with him that fluctuated between heaven and a very dark hell. Thank you but no, she would choose to live alone rather than go through that again.

But what guarantees are there that that wouldn't happen again? There are shitty relationships all around.  But there are beautiful ones too.  Her Sagittarian nature wasn't going to let her give up on the hopeful, true love. Did they exist? Of course they do. But would it ever happen for her?

Just do not give up. She told herself often. Others told her that one day it would be her turn. She wanted to scream at them and throat punch them because those words made her feel like a failure. Isn't that what you told people who never had a chance?

She couldn't live as a victim of her own pain. It wasn't in her nature. She continued to imagine the person who would one day find her. It wouldn't be in a bar. She had done the party thing. She didn't even like to go out much. Patience for stupid people ran low in her and she couldn't take being around them and they run rampant nowadays. But he would find her and she would find him and they would just KNOW that they were the ones they had looked for for so long.

Electricity would be between them even before they touched. Their eyes would meet and they would have a pause of knowing they knew each other from former lives. The love between them would begin in that moment of knowing. No need to get to know each other and "date". No time for that. Life was short and they would have lost so much time in this one being apart. They would be in love literally from first sight. She clenched the pillow tighter. Yes. This is what she wanted. She felt the warming of herself between her legs knowing this man would turn her on just but his breathing. The passion between them would be think and fluid and deep. 

And he would be a warrior. He would not run. He would be so sure of himself he would take her on. She isn't an easy one.  She is temperamental.  She is feisty. She loves so hard she frightens people. But he would know how to handle her like a horse whisperer handing a fierce, young, green filly that people feared. Of course she wasn't young anymore. She felt it and didn't feel it. She realized she was almost 50. Geesh. That sounded so old when she was younger and now that she was creeping up on it it seemed less "old" but she saw the signs plummeting down on her face and body. But no matter. The right man will love you no matter what, right?

She didn't know anymore but to be sad and fearful were not going to work although not being so was sometimes work. This man would know how to comfort her at night when she felt lost as a mother. He would love her kids as she did. He would accept the package that their own father could not. He would see their gifts and be there to help nourish them and she would no longer feel like she had the world on top of her as she had for so long.  Just to have him by her side would give her superpowers. Damn, she already had them, People always asked, how do you do it all? She had no idea. She just did.

And it was tiring. But she didn't have a choice. She didn't have in her what her ex did of just walking out, giving up. 

She returned to her fantasy. She would wake up one day and he would be there, holding her. He would still be asleep and his breathing would comfort her. She would feel safe in his arms. Every nook of him would fit into her crannies. They would be a perfect fit. She would nestle up against him and he would start to waken and shove his face into her hair and breath in deep to small her essence. That would be how they wake up everyday. She would turn over and they would just caress each other with their faces as their legs entangled and their lips and mouths would find each other.

She always got lost in his kisses. Or she would. That would be his superpower, one of them, his kisses, making her forget all of her worries, and she had a lot of those. The love making would be from romance novels where the earth and Universe would shake and tremble as they became one. They would always be wild and fiery. They would become gods creating a new galaxy in their lovemaking. Behind closed doors no one would be able to believe the intensity and magic that was created between them. Oh the orgasms they would create! She would not be a mother or even a mere mortal when they made love. She was a Goddess, a warrioress and he would be a God and warrior. All of their past lives converging into one as their bodies pleasured each other. And it would not just be a physical thing either. It would be Spiritual and otherworldly.

She imagined running her hands down his firm chest. The way he moaned when she did so anticipating what was next. She would trail kisses all the way down his tattooed body until she got to those lines that led her right to where she was headed. She would cup his balls in her hand so gently like they were the most precious things in the world and she would slowly rub her face gently across his penis until he was hard and wanting her. Her tongue would investigate every smooth area and lick him until he squirmed and moaned some more.

She would make him beg.  That was her superpower. Once she felt he was tortured, she would look up at him and drink in the ecstasy on his face knowing it was her who put it there helping him forget the past that haunted him so much. Then she would slowly climb up and place herself on top of him, circling him before lowering herself on top of his hard cock. He was always so deep inside of her like this, unlocking eras of Goddess power and she became that goddess. She sat tall and proud and moved like Aphrodite herself. His clutching of her hipbones and helping her move always helped her to lose reality. He filled her up so. She pushed herself down deeper on top of his pelvis. Her head would fling back exposing her collarbones and he reached up to caress her breast moving to their thrusting. They looked at each other deep in their knowing just before they climaxed together and collapsed in a heap, victims of their own ecstasy....

Or they would. That always happened. She visualized would and it ended up real and present. She always hoped that meant it would in real life. But when? Only the Goddess knew. Beep Beep Beep. The alarm sounded to take her away from her love, her fantasy. The day called and she slowly stretched feeling that last smidget of him before she swung her legs off the bed and started her day.